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From the Lion's Den: Attenborough Goes Deep

[Cue the ominous music.] The Exonians are a remarkable species native to Exeter, New Hampshire—an exotic biome amidst the wilderness of New England. Watch now as the creatures navigate their day-to-day life. Here a male approaches a group of females. His brightly colored cheeks match his red Exeter polo, indicating that he is preparing to do something unusually social. Quiet down so we can hear when he makes a sound…. He quietly chirps at a female Exonian, thrusting his hips ever so slightly. This is a very unique facet of the Exonian mating ritual. The female's reaction is even more astounding; she guffaws in his face. The male gets angry.

He slowly steps back from the group, ensuring no sudden movements until he reaches the sanctity of his cave. The Exonians have a special, primal response for this type of occurrence: water bubbles up and spills out of their eyes and drips down onto their cheeks. Look closely as snot begins to pour from his nose and forms streams of mucus.

Here in this extreme close-up, we get a glimpse of their classroom interactions. Notice that Exonian over there. He is a specific breed characterized by their thick lenses. Despite the enhanced vision, the Exonian overlooks the piece of spinach lodged between his braces. The classroom is the Exonian’s haven in the wild jungle of New England. Around the Harkness table, they participate in a ritual chant, alternating between their not-so-different approaches to a very basic derivative. They feel safe here from the dangers of the outside world. But—oh no, what’s that? The Exonian stands paralyzed, looking at a seat taken by another Exonian. The magnitude of this event is undeniable—we are witnessing nature’s order challenged. The Exonian’s favorite seat was taken. How will he react? Watch closely as a wet stain expands around the crotch of his corduroys, and he squeaks in the shaky voice, “You took my seat!”

Thank you for listening in. Tune in next week to hear more about the true kings of the jungle, otherwise known as the Phillipians.


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EXETER STUDENTS, SIGN THIS WAIVER BEFORE EMBARKING TO ANDOVER

I, __________________, as a Phillips Exeter Academy student interested in visiting Phillips Academy Andover, understand the dangers involved. By marking each line with my initials, I agree that if these events occur, I can hold no one but myself accountable:

____ When any personal objects, such as my favorite TI calculator or Roblox-patterned bow tie, are stolen and aggressively thrown away from me while the words, “Fetch, you little red gremlin!” are yelled into my face.

____ When I am tripped and end up with a booboo on my knee.

____ When I hear a naughty word that my mommy tells me I shouldn’t say.

____ When those jerks play that loud heathen music.

____ When I end up lost in the middle of a forest because of language barriers. (I am responsible for bringing my own copy of the Urban Dictionary to prevent communication confusion)

____ When my -10 prescription glasses are broken, and I am blind for the entirety of the trip.

____ When my inhaler is stolen and I suffer from any possible asthmatic attacks.

____ When Big Blue Bullies hurl personal remarks (such as “safety school,” “geeks,” “Saturday classes suck,” etc.) in my direction during the sportsball game.

____ When someone starts an argument with me over the Oxford comma.

____ When I suffer from sleep loss due to recurring nightmares, either due to memories of Andover students or to PEA’s soul-crushing grade deflation.


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Overheard on the Paths

“‘Exit-her’ would’ve been a good contraceptive slogan, but wouldn’t be necessary for our community…”

“Can I get Harkness points for sharing my thoughts with my imaginary friend?”

“Will having a good football team mean I can make friends?”

“I chose Exeter for its urban environment.”

“I can squeeze in 30.5 minutes of socializing between my orthodontist appointment and physics competition.”

“Andover was my [sniffle] safety school.”

“The only reason I didn’t get into Andover was my interview. Apparently, they don’t care about how many digits of pi you can recite.”

“There’s no way the Deans made Saturday classes half-days. First they made them biweekly, now this? I paid for the full weekly eight hours!”

“Wait, this isn’t Andover?”

“Why doesn’t our lion mascot have teeth?”