[Cue the ominous
music.] The Exonians are a remarkable species native to Exeter, New
Hampshire—an exotic biome amidst the wilderness of New England. Watch now
as the creatures navigate their day-to-day life. Here a male approaches a
group of females. His brightly colored cheeks match his red Exeter polo,
indicating that he is preparing to do something unusually social. Quiet
down so we can hear when he makes a sound…. He quietly chirps at a female
Exonian, thrusting his hips ever so slightly. This is a very unique facet
of the Exonian mating ritual. The female's reaction is even more
astounding; she guffaws in his face. The male gets angry.
He slowly steps back from the group, ensuring no sudden movements until he
reaches the sanctity of his cave. The Exonians have a special, primal
response for this type of occurrence: water bubbles up and spills out of
their eyes and drips down onto their cheeks. Look closely as snot begins to
pour
from his nose and forms streams of mucus.
Here in this extreme close-up, we get a glimpse of their classroom
interactions. Notice that Exonian over there. He is a specific breed
characterized by their thick lenses. Despite the enhanced vision, the
Exonian overlooks the piece of spinach lodged between his braces. The
classroom is the Exonian’s haven in the wild jungle of New England. Around
the Harkness table, they participate in a ritual chant, alternating between
their not-so-different approaches to a very basic derivative. They feel
safe here from the dangers of the outside world. But—oh no, what’s that?
The Exonian stands paralyzed, looking at a seat taken by another Exonian.
The magnitude of this event is undeniable—we are witnessing nature’s order
challenged. The Exonian’s favorite seat was taken. How will he react? Watch
closely as a wet stain expands around the crotch of his corduroys, and he
squeaks in the shaky voice, “You took my seat!”
Thank you for listening in. Tune in next week to hear more about the true
kings of the jungle, otherwise known as the Phillipians.
Exeter's Favorite BeReals
Sep 30, 2022The Quaint and Charming "Downtown" Exeter
Sep 30, 2022Exeter Student's Common App Activities Leaked
Nov 10, 2022Leadership Personified: Highlighting Mr. Rawson
Nov 10, 2022SENIOR OF THE WEEK: Seylor Daita '23
Nov 10, 2022I, __________________, as a Phillips Exeter Academy student interested in
visiting Phillips Academy Andover, understand the dangers involved. By
marking each line with my initials, I agree that if these events occur, I can
hold no one but myself accountable:
____ When any personal objects, such as my favorite TI calculator or
Roblox-patterned bow tie, are stolen and aggressively thrown away from me
while the words, “Fetch, you little red gremlin!” are yelled into my face.
____ When I am tripped and end up with a booboo on my knee.
____ When I hear a naughty word that my mommy tells me I shouldn’t say.
____ When those jerks play that loud heathen music.
____ When I end up lost in the middle of a forest because of language
barriers. (I am responsible for bringing my own copy of the Urban Dictionary
to prevent communication confusion)
____ When my -10 prescription glasses are broken, and I am blind for the
entirety of the trip.
____ When my inhaler is stolen and I suffer from any possible asthmatic
attacks.
____ When Big Blue Bullies hurl personal remarks (such as “safety school,”
“geeks,” “Saturday classes suck,” etc.) in my direction during the sportsball
game.
____ When someone starts an argument with me over the Oxford comma.
____ When I suffer from sleep loss due to recurring nightmares, either due to
memories of Andover students or to PEA’s soul-crushing grade deflation.
Recent Finding: Board of Trustees Reallocated Niche Payments to Make Harkness Tables Rounder
Sep 30, 2022College Counseling Starts at 9th Grade to Compensate for Lost Reputation as Feeder School for Harvard
Sep 30, 2022Deans Make Room Visitation Policies More Lenient, as Exeter Students Consider Third Base “Prolonged Eye Contact”
Oct 28, 2022Exeter Teaching Job Description: “Sit in Chair”
Sep 25, 2022Long Live Harkness: Recent Grad Interrupts 200-Person College Lecture
Sep 30, 2022Academy to Stagger Class Schedule, Prevent Students From Greeting Each Other Between Classes
Sep 30, 2022Even MIT Weirded Out by Exonian Applicants
Nov 5, 2022True “Chemistry:” Football Captain Keith B. DaGeek ’23 Leads Team With “Game Theory” and “Projectile Motion”
Oct 31, 2022Students Shocked to Learn Money Spent on Wellness Center Condoms Could Be Put Towards Another Robotics Lab
Oct 31, 2022Exeter Boy Wishes Dining Hall Baby Carrots Weren’t So “Phallic”
Sep 15, 2022Exeter Campus So Ugly They Had to Film “Social Network” at Andover
Sep 15, 2022“‘Exit-her’ would’ve been a good contraceptive slogan, but wouldn’t be necessary for our community…”
“Can I get Harkness points for sharing my thoughts with my imaginary friend?”
“Will having a good football team mean I can make friends?”
“I chose Exeter for its urban environment.”
“I can squeeze in 30.5 minutes of socializing between my orthodontist appointment and physics competition.”
“Andover was my [sniffle] safety school.”
“The only reason I didn’t get into Andover was my interview. Apparently, they don’t care about how many digits of pi you can recite.”
“There’s no way the Deans made Saturday classes half-days. First they made them biweekly, now this? I paid for the full weekly eight hours!”
“Wait, this isn’t Andover?”
“Why doesn’t our lion mascot have teeth?”
